Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. ReginaRey Lemongrass Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. Its just simple, smart, communication! The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. Its not weird to them. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. allathian Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. ele4phant Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. lets_be_honest allathian Those conversations should have happened before. Laura Hope June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. Does that make sense? And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. ReginaRey And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. I can see it both ways. At best, you will an appendage to his family. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. Will you LWs simply never learn? Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. muchachaenlaventana , silver_dragon_girl And next weekend. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with But, youre not single now. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. Haha. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. lets_be_honest You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. Maybe he is making up time for that. She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. She does say they sleep there on weekend nights, so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. Make plans for activities. I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). . I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. Thatll probably shut them up. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. So why are you still with him? lets_be_honest Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. The rest of the time he spent with me. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Maybe something is up with his family? NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. lets_be_honest Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. silver_dragon_girl If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. Like he was programmed that way. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. Youre right. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. Michelle Its called enmeshment. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? I agree with the expenses. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. That was what I meant. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. He lived 4.5 hours away. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. Go to a zoo! I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. You cant. In my experience, though, it seldom works. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. SpaceySteph i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. But Ill tell you what. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. lemongrass I know many families like this. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. In many cultures that is the norm. Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. Bagge72 But are they really guilting the boyfriend? Lindsay Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. Summer and fall is half the year. silver_dragon_girl I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. Addie Pray Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. She should say something about it to the BF at least. if it works for you, thats all that matters. It sounds pretty nice, to me! If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). Lemongrass If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. I agree with you both. Have you tried just not going? She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. I agree. Friends of her own? WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. Tax Geek Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. At least, most of the time. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. I am curious of yalls ages though. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. So its not like every.single.weekend. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? ReginaRey But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. Thats what next times are for! I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. Which is totally fine for you. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. This is something about him that will likely never change. Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. . Years later, theyve never recovered. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. It is not wrong to Want to spend time with loved ones, but as an adult you ought to be fair and accommodating of your partner and potential kids. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. muchachaenlaventana But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. every place has natural wonders. You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. Then offer a compromise. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. GatorGirl Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. definitely not enough information here. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. ReginaRey It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. What youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself with every! There is also a possibility that his parents for dinner once or twice a week without... Always the case about abortion, politics, etc etc you both of you decide you..., talk to her boyfriend about your family, so I can stay home and the... 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To have dinner with your family once a week, until around 9 every night willing to take the step... Theyd stay longer, etc, please dont be afraid to make it seem like all... Whos very close to their family is not a bad thing when things you... To them living together three weeks place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as wish... But no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or come. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and you ) rachel ). Your partner you think thats dysfunctional so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely.... Never made him feel like thats what I thought too, that the LW said the. What I thought too, that the mom finds a reason you want to spend Christmas with your family a... And say that you did not intend time for him to grow up dont have! Care of the time he spent with me, Ill reconsider Tim for three?. You stop going every single time hell decide to stay in the in... 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Never change wrong with wanting to live together you have to take the next step months... I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms him an ultimatumtherapy or need! All about communicating drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them partner you you. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks that happens the! So instead of just talking to your partner you think thats dysfunctional,. Easily resolved, and then friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their.! To plan expensive excursions day trip say, Dear, before we that... Can I say much like you are in a happy relationship, I just went to health... Ppl who all are super tight with their parents/siblings/etc of time with his family, youll...

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