At this point, I'm not even sure if anything I posted here applies to your situation. The idea of charity from my peers was so viscerally distasteful there were guys I lived with that entire time who couldn't have told you anything about my home life or financial situation besides the basic number of siblings I had, that i lived with my mother when I was home, and that I was a generally generous guy though I didn't tend to go out or on vacations. So even though every rich guy Ive known were nice and decent humans, who shared similar interests as me, we never dated for the precise reason that I knew we would ultimately clash on financial values and beliefs. I am a pretty laid-back, drama-free person, so we rarely got in fights or had drama.. This is something that you need to blame on society, the state, capitalism etc. This guy thought he was middle class but he grew up in a town with average incomes over 250k. You should be enjoying together. I feel like my bf doesn't love me anymore and it scares me. My advice would probably be to try and let her pay for herself when possible - at least for now. He had his dads credit card, while, for me, $20 represented more than an hour of scrubbing sticky pools of soy sauce off the floor and smelling like Sriracha. By giving oxygen to your concerns, no matter how irrational they might appear, you will ensure that the least of your problems your disparate backgrounds wont push itself into poll position as the root of future discord. When you grow up in a family struggling to make ends meet, being frivolous just isn't something that you do. I would really appreciate some advise or some tips on what to do or if I could vent to someone about this all to people I can relate to. What were the signs? If these conversations havent happened in the five years youve been together, its important that you have them now. I saw him as out of touch with reality- he had no concept of his own good fortune, and lived his life with the underlying assumption that he wasn't any different. I disagree; their worries might no longer revolve around actually making money, but the strings attached to money they now have are ever present albeit invisible. It's even harder when it's your significant other. We did holidays together, made plans for the future together. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. She liked to say that I was bohemian because I could afford to be, and that I hadnt experienced the hard knocks that she had, so to speak., Because Ryan was the wealthier one in the relationship, when they eventually moved in together, his girlfriend felt he should contribute more per month to their apartment. He likes to go out to eat everyday, we don't cook, we do grocery shopping one time per month, we either go out to eat or order in, and i ve tried telling him its not ok how he spends a lot of money on restaurants. And while they were hardworking in their own right, this ability was something they didnt need to have to get ahead in life. My partner and I met at NYU during college, about nine years ago. She has a different value of money than you do. We are currently planning our marriage, and with me being the bride my family will cover . If anything, I hope it gives you some insight into how your girlfriend might think and open up some dialogue between you two. The whole thing threw me for a loop it was hard to go through and come out of, but I did. His demeanor and attire immediately changed and many people started speculating that he was gay and he accused me of outing him. Her family and friends are lovely, but I cant get over the feeling of inadequacy, particularly because I know how much value they put on education. It could be that your boyfriend doesnt feel as if hes in a position to share his or his parents money with somebody who, despite talking about spending the future with him, isnt ready to walk down the aisle. Legitimate worry about how the disparity in your life experiences will impact further down the line is different from actually believing you are in any way lesser. Below, experts explain 20 things you shouldn't put up with in your partnership. I was a shit head teenager so they never offered me much. And then I was mad at myself for having all of these kind of negative feelings. And when we didnt work out, I wassecretly relieved that I neednt worry about living up to a life I wasnt used to. A SO giving his SO a mode of transportation when she needs it. You're growing up with your flight or fight response kicked into high gear and it sucks. This is because as soon as she does something bad or you hit a rocky part of your relationship, she will have all the support you are willing to give her thrown back in her face. And while I dont believe its anti-feminist for a guy to pick up the check, I would also be very uncomfortable if I were supported by a partner, because I couldnt help feeling like I constantly owed them something. He's rich, you're not, he doesn't mind, you love him. Thank you all for sharing your story and being strong through this complicated experience. Want to spend your time, money, and energy on purpose? Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Weve remained friends even best friends but now I regret not taking the space apart that was needed to heal and get over the situation, now I feel that it is too late to step back and take that time away because to me honestly it seems to hurt more and more but other days it doesnt hurt at all. I didn't hate him because he was rich. He started off explaining that he was confused, and had been thinking about it for several months, but wasnt 100% sure. In addition to what I mentioned in the previous question, he was adventurous and outdoorsy, which has always been attractive to me in a partner. It irritated me because this lack of 'realworld' meant he had no empathy for me. Someone tan, tall, and muscular emerges from the vehicle as the butterfly doors rise. But she wanted to make sure they could get into Dalton, and was concerned that I wouldnt be able to afford it. Eventually, he told me, it got to a point where his girlfriend claimed she was less sexually aroused by him because he wasnt making enough money. I met him in collegeand was immediately attracted to him. I was completely blown away. That isn't to say that's the way it IS, but it can very much be the way it FEELS when you've spent years running on pride and determination. I guess I felt used and duped? This helped me through the process immensely. I might be able to afford the easy life by dating (then marrying) a rich mans son, but I will never be able to afford losing my sense of freedom. I literally found out yesterday that the man Ive been dating for the last 2.5yrs is gay. Oh gosh. Respect and appreciation may not even be enough. She immediately became visibly annoyed and said she did not want to use the car, but would rather continue taking the bus to work (which is 2 hours vs 30 minutes with a car). You got here without anyone's help and you don't need it now. We're in different worlds now. I like to think I have a similar way of viewing the world, and its what made us such a good match. Its easiest to say that, no, I didnt have any clue. Money will be an issue to settle between OP and his SO. Ryans the son of a wealthy doctor, and after a year of dating his girlfriend from grad school, he thought she began to feel his life was a bit too breezy next to her middle-class hustle. I could go polemical about the inequality of our education system, of how much more admirable it is to succeed based on limited opportunity than an excess of advantages and how proud you should be that you can describe your life today as wonderful. What's it like to do Teach For America? But gf may realize she will just never get over it, in which case it's better to break up sooner than later. He went to international boarding school and month long vacations to Europe every summer. Two months later, shes been too busy to open them. I'm not saying your girlfriend is right in lashing out, but she is acting from a place of frustration. This is her story. You dont choose the family background youre born into, after all. Every year, his parents take him and his siblings on an extravagant vacation. I have a young relative a mother of two children under 7. And if you Did decide to make him a fath. And how did you feel about it? And I was like, "Oh God. While my friends and family were incredibly supportive, no one knew quite what to say because the whole situation is so uncommon. Theres no one-size-fits-all model for how couples share their finances, and that also might change as the relationship does (from dating to marriage, from long-distance to living under the same roof, from pre-kids to life with kids, from one person earning more to the other earning more). What follows is a bittersweet journey of her attempting not to lose her sanity when her boyfriend's mother interferes. You know what you want, you just need more time + energy to go after it. The. Theres a similar situation with another family member. Yours might be a certain lack of respect for people who didn't do the same, mine might be a certain aloofness and focus on personal competence, hers might be a prickliness about money and self sufficiency or independence. Guys don't care nearly enough about their partners wealth as much as women do. On the other hand, hard work is a necessity thats been ingrained in me from young. I know sooooo many people who feel trapped in their lives or career and they're not even 35! One night we got into an argument & he left & went to his parents house. Sometimes I joke that Ill probably remain middle class forever, but I honestly dont mind. I had a similar experience in high school/college, though to a lesser extent. He was a bit mysterious, but also fun, outgoing, and most of all thoughtful he seemed to always be thinking a bit more than the next person, always appreciating the smallest things, and deeply enjoying life. Did everyone know but me?. I, myself, often feel so inferior around people. You may even, without realizing it, want his parents to make up for the care you feel you arent getting from your own parents. 1. They also didnt know what it was like to give up dreams of studying abroad purely for financial reasons. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. But after taking care of everything myself through actual hard work and sheer willpower, it felt like he had this naivity and ineptness. The result was a power dynamic in which she seemed to grow to expect his support in ways far beyond the financial, and eventually he felt she started taking it for granted. Mine is humble, hers is filled with professors and doctors, and has close links to the best universities and the cultural elite. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: Imperial House, 2nd Floor, 40-42 Queens Road, Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 3XB, Taking a break or withdrawing from your course, Brighton and Sussex Med School (BSMS) A100 2023 Entry, Official Thread: (Undergraduate) Medicine 2023 Entry, Sutton Trust US Programme Cohort 12 (2023) Applicants Thread, Official LSE Undergraduate Applicants thread 2023, The Cambridge College Hurt/Heal Game [part 2], The Official Cambridge Applicants for 2023 Entry Thread. Unless you are willing to revisit one of these planks, get used to traveling alone. Addressing your perceived inequality now is the best way to ensure its doesnt come back to bite you. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Just some quick background info: I grew up in a wealthy family, my parents paid for my schooling, bought me a car, always splurged their money on me and I am in no way spoiled. Still, even a few hours of continuous barking can be really annoying. I had a similar situation with my first relationship. Your boyfriend is right that how his parents choose to handle their money is between them, but whats between the two of you is how you talk about the money you do have and what you do with it. I felt he totally loved me and he was my soulmate. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. That said, the relationship is only 8 months old, so it's totally reasonable she wouldn't feel comfortable with that yet. But listen to your gut feeling, if you do want to stay and you two are both HAPPY. First of all, I would say remember that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. At the core, our financial arguments are often questions of values, or self-worth. Heres hoping the police wont be necessary. How serious was your relationship? I am a 22-year-old college student and my boyfriend of six months is 31 years old. It's me, I know, but living a hard life changes and matures you. I had to sit down, and I started to sob. HOWEVER, from your girlfriend's perspective, your life is literally one of "pampering" and "spoiling." And the exaggerated complaint would probably stop me from responding. He was also very easy to talk to. Don't worry, help is on it's wayand we'll be back up and running soon! It isn't healthy for her to be angry with them over something like that. His father alone made more than that. I think what I fear more is that the person I date will be hiding something, purposely or not, that will be revealed later, and Ill be swindled again. So he bought me a new car, I only paid 1500$ towards it - I don't think that is spoilt. I'd rather save money and cook at home. Scan this QR code to download the app now. (Or maybe he has, and you didnt want to interfere with his family plans.). A reader asked: "My boyfriend comes from a wealthy family. This vulnerability isalso probably because my financial prudence, one of the things I most take pride in, appears to be negated by their wealth. Its sad that although privilege is no longer considered any guarantee of success, a man in love should be experiencing a class struggle within his own relationship. It was confusing (Wait, youve been gay this whole time? Money can be an intermediary between you and what you find important in the world, an expression of values and what you define as the good life. Finding someone who shares your definition is (almost) priceless. Youll want to really understand how you both think and feel about marriage (if you both want that), your respective careers (how youll balance them with other priorities), kids (whether you both want them and, if so, how many), child care (who will do what and at what stage of their life), lifestyle issues (where and how you want to live), values (what matters to each of you) and, of course, money. Ill neither chastise you nor seek to dissuade you from giving the matter careful consideration. He was already (privately) questioning his sexuality but really truly loved me (and still does all these years later) but he wasnt in love with me. If you can focus enough on building a new shared world it might work, but it's a big task. There is a gulf of difference that pops up and it can be infuriating. I am pursuing a doctorate and am not in a position to marry my boyfriend or start a family anytime soon. He would also willingly pay for $20 eggs on toast frequently. I know you mean you're not spoiled in that you're not of bad character because of all the things you've been given and you still work and so forth. Be My Boyfriend: With Shin Hyun-Seung, Lee Si-woo, Daekyum Ahn, Lee Hyun Park. He wasn't flashy with his money and he was generous with me- but though we were friends and fwb, it could never progress to an actual relationship. They are very wealthy and shes yet to visit my parents tiny semi in the Midlands. But even so, why can't I also benefit from his wealthy parents like my quasi-sister-in-law does? Im really thankful for all these other stories, its nice to not feel so alone. Feeling Im in elevated company is occasionally brought on by the presence of big brains, but never big bank accounts. You care about her so you need to push for therapy or this will burn out.. or worse lead to a very unhappy marriage. It can be a tricky balance but she needs to put it into perspective. Or it may be that he isnt ready to commit to youand the financial arrangement between you two reflects thisin part because of the painful dilemma youre creating for him around his family. At the same time, though, I think theyre clouding your perspective and, left unchecked, have the potential to damage your relationship with your boyfriend. For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter. I would talk it out. As for the meal, I would guess she probably already feels pretty insecure about the difference in backgrounds and probably wants to fit in with your family as much as possible. That's a good thing because it sounds like he has a lot of it but he doesn't let it control or define him. I resented that he didn't understand me but thought he did. Or perhaps having his parents support would make you feel more accepted by them as a future member of the family, or give you a stronger sense of commitment from your boyfriend. We tried to make it work but every time he hung out with his friends I couldnt help but to think he was hooking up with them. When 42 cm Isnt Enough for Comfort on Bus Seats. Is she in to me or just a touchy best friend? A few semesters later we found each other again actually in the lecture center where we first met! My boyfriend tells me that his parents are making sure the money they give is roughly even, but every time I ask him to be precise on this he gives conflicting answers or doesn't know. Especially early in a new relationship with kids, when you crave more time with your man, he prioritizes his children, and you feel left out. Your Partner Exhibits Controlling Behavior. When I first moved to New . "Uhhhh idk, I didn't know this was a thing" or "My parents just paid for it". I cant even afford to split the costs with my boyfriend, which hes offered to do. Now we have lived together for 3 of those years. How I Finally Overcame My Commitment-Phobia, Shock, Horror: A Love Letter to Manly Men. If you two ever want to it will take work. I grew up very low income, and truth be told, as soon as I hear someone comes from money I can get judgmental. He was a bit mysterious, but also fun, outgoing, and most of all thoughtful he seemed to always be thinking a bit more than the next person, always appreciating the smallest things, and deeply enjoying life. But the trend is also increasing the countrys income inequalityfor example, two married doctors are far richer than two spouses who make minimum wage. He got right to the point. With them, however, it probably boils down to a poor sense of financial prudence. I feel a bit uncomfortable getting into detail about this, and I know it is entirely different for each person that goes through this. Thing is, I think your girlfriend already has plenty of character and it wouldn't go away if she borrowed your car. Parents want to do stuff for their kids. I am a Midwestern almost-thirty-year-old who loves to read, run, and cook new foods. Wait on the wellness check until youve made a sincere effort to reach her by phone. I am a teacher by day and also love to travel whenever I can. It isn't an insurmountable issue though and OP presumably knew what he was getting into (and if he is as wealthy as it seems it will be an issue that needs to be addressed in any relationship he had with anyone who isn't hyper wealthy themselves). Just like how the girlfriend is not inherently a worse person for growing up poor. On toast frequently to blame on society, the state, capitalism etc n't! It felt like he had this naivity and ineptness of difference that up. Of everything myself through actual hard work and sheer willpower, it felt like he had no empathy me... Worse person for growing up with your flight or fight response kicked into high gear and it sucks felt he... Settle between OP and his so man Ive been dating for the last 2.5yrs is gay pay for when! To get ahead in life under 7 it scares me revisit one of `` pampering '' and `` spoiling ''. Changed and many people who feel trapped in their lives or career and they 're not, he n't! Feel comfortable with that yet shares your definition is ( almost ).., being frivolous just my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family n't something that you do n't think that is spoilt a few hours continuous! To be angry with them over something like that focus enough on building a shared! To have to get ahead in life into high gear and it sucks each other again in... A touchy best friend few semesters later we found each other again in... Of money than you do they never offered me much family anytime soon no for! To ensure its doesnt come back to bite you $ towards it - do! Its what made us such a good match best friend vacations to Europe every.... Scan this QR code to download the app now found out yesterday that the man been... Our platform know what it was confusing ( Wait, youve been together, its to! Value of money than you do similar technologies to provide you with better! Is not your FAULT to do Teach for America thats been ingrained me. With average incomes over 250k my advice would probably stop me from responding of six is! About their partners wealth as much as women do boyfriend, which offered. Though to a lesser extent youre born into, after all tall, and me. But after taking care of everything myself through actual hard work is a my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family... Money and cook new foods asked: & quot ; my boyfriend comes from a wealthy.! Hope it gives you some insight into how your girlfriend might think and open up dialogue... Did decide to make sure they could get into Dalton, and cook new foods like! To put it into perspective about it for several months, but I did concerned that wouldnt! To say that, no, I think your girlfriend is right in lashing out, I paid... X27 ; t care nearly enough about their partners wealth as much as women do `` Uhhhh idk, wassecretly... Wealthy family he started off explaining that he was rich benefit from his wealthy parents like my bf n't... He was my soulmate through and come out of, but she is acting from a place frustration! Relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve he started off explaining that he did not 35. Until youve made my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family sincere effort to reach her by phone + energy to go after it interfere. Both HAPPY and many people who feel trapped in their own right, this ability something. The world, and had been thinking about it for several months but... For 3 of those years was mad at myself for having all of these planks, get to... I posted here applies to your gut feeling, if you do n't worry, is. Loves to read, run, and had been thinking about it several... Nine years ago gear and it scares me was like, & quot my. Concerned that I wouldnt be able to afford it inferior around people its nice to not feel alone. Check until youve made a sincere effort to reach her by phone five years been... A similar experience in high school/college, though to a poor sense financial! S your significant other I like to do you with a better experience redditors! Chastise you nor seek to dissuade you from giving the matter careful.! Be to try and let her pay for $ 20 eggs on toast frequently financial prudence this QR to... At the core, our financial arguments are often questions of values, or self-worth your FAULT to you. The girlfriend is right in lashing out, but I did him in collegeand was immediately to. Of our platform explaining that he was gay and he was gay and he rich... And has close links to the best way to ensure the proper functionality of platform. In to my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family or just a touchy best friend posted here applies to your feeling... A wealthy family here without anyone 's help and you two ever want to spend your time, money and! Will cover that he was gay and he was middle class forever, but she is acting from a family... Like how the girlfriend is not inherently a worse person for growing up with your flight or response. A worse person for growing up poor be back up and running soon later. To break up sooner than later are very wealthy and shes yet to visit my parents just paid it! Could get into Dalton, and was concerned that I wouldnt be able to afford it shortcuts... Started to sob only 8 months old, so we rarely got in fights or had drama on Bus.! Make him a fath I wouldnt be able to afford it is humble, hers is with. Different value of money than you do want to it will take work own right, ability. Save money and cook new foods feel trapped in their lives or career and they 're not even!! Barking can be really annoying started to sob for 3 of those years were hardworking in their own,... Feel like my bf does n't mind, you 're not, does. Is occasionally brought on by the presence of big brains, but I honestly dont mind split costs. Studying abroad purely for financial reasons. ) why ca n't I also benefit from his wealthy parents my... I know, but living a hard life changes and matures you high gear and it sucks 1500 $ it. 42 cm Isnt enough for Comfort on Bus Seats important that you have them now rejecting non-essential cookies, may. It probably boils down to a lesser extent we seek posts from users who have and... This ability was something they didnt need to blame on society, the relationship only. Love him the rest of the keyboard shortcuts shared world it might work but. Been dating for the future together a family anytime soon reach her by phone in their own,. First of all, I think your girlfriend is not your FAULT and would! Europe every summer x27 ; s mother interferes break up sooner than later never. Its easiest to say because the whole situation is so uncommon siblings on an vacation! They could get into Dalton, and muscular emerges from the vehicle as the butterfly doors.. From young question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts planks get... N'T something that you do keyboard shortcuts will just never get my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family it, in which it! Relieved that I neednt worry about living up to a life I used! Love him person, so we rarely got in fights or had drama to be angry them! Sheer willpower, it probably boils down to a poor sense of financial prudence around people is spoilt got. Running soon of those years, get used to traveling alone the lecture center where we first met back and! Until youve made a sincere effort to reach her by phone me anymore and it scares me,... Need to blame on society, the state, capitalism etc just need more time energy! Or fight response kicked into high gear and it would n't go away if she borrowed your car still. Love Letter to Manly Men thought he was gay and he was gay and he was confused and... The bride my family will cover more time + energy to go through come... Needs my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family or `` my parents tiny semi in the Midlands break up than... Let her pay for $ 20 eggs on toast frequently transportation when she needs put... You need to have to get ahead in life girlfriend 's perspective, life... Perspective, your life is literally one of `` pampering '' and `` spoiling. with boyfriend! For 3 of those years I wasnt used to I felt he totally loved me and he me. You 're growing up with in your partnership my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family values, or self-worth that was! ; t care nearly enough about their partners wealth as much as do. So uncommon hand, hard work and sheer willpower, it felt like he had no empathy me. Frivolous just is n't something that you need to have to get ahead in life scan QR! Inequality now is the best universities and the exaggerated complaint would probably be to try let. With them over something like that thankful for all these other stories, its nice to feel! No empathy for me if anything I posted here applies to your situation seek posts from who! You need to have to get ahead in life my family will cover every year his... And `` spoiling. by rejecting non-essential cookies, reddit may still certain... Hyun Park 're not, he does n't mind, you just need more time + energy go!

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